ISSUE DATE: APRIL 2008
This month's spiritual solution:
SELF ACCEPTANCE-THE TRUE PATH TO SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT
Question: I have been on a spiritual path for some time now and have worked hard to practise unselfishness. I have done my best to always put others first and have been very supportive to my friends and colleagues, even sometimes changing my plans at the last minute to fit in with their needs. However,just recently, I have begun to think that people are taking advantage of my helpful nature and I have become very resentful (a trait that I abhor) and don’t want to give to them any more. How can I change this selfish behaviour?
Answer: Because the content of your question is extremely relevant for everyone on the spiritual path, I will begin by explaining some concepts that may also be helpful to other people who are going through a similar experience. I will then address your personal situation.
When we embark on a spiritual path, we usually start by trying to rid ourselves of all the character traits that we consider “un-spiritual.” We try to push away those parts of us that we think of as unacceptable in an effort to try to be “good”. We are then quite surprised when we find ourselves behaving in exactly the way we didn’t want to behave. When we least expect it, these “disowned and dismissed” aspects of our human psyche (sometimes referred to as our “shadow”) burst out and express what we have tried to keep hidden.
Teacher of shadow work, Debbie Ford says,"Our society nurtures the illusion that all the rewards go to the people who are perfect. But many of us are finding out that trying to be perfect is costly."
Let's give an example of a disowned or "shadow self" in operation. Supposing someone treats us in a way that we consider to be inconsiderate or disrespectful. We may feel upset and angry but instead of expressing our feelings, we deny them and pretend that they are not there or we think we shouldn’t be feeling them because they are somehow “bad”. Later in the day when driving in our car, we may find ourselves being completely overcome with uncontrollable rage and indignation when somebody cuts in front of us without warning. The denied feelings have bubbled to the surface, triggered by “yet another person, treating me inconsiderately”.
Sometimes we are unaware of what we have repressed, so Life tries to help us out by reflecting these hidden characteristics back to us through our relationships and encounters with other people.
The very parts of our own personality that we either don’t like or want to disown, will show up in other people towards whom we hold judgement or disapproval. Just like a mirror, they will reflect back to us our opposite selves. For example, if we are a workaholic, then what we judge as the "lazy ones" will come into our lives to drive us crazy. If we are neat and tidy, with everything around us in immaculate and pristine order, we will probably find that our untidy partner or teenage son or daughter will be our greatest challenge. If we’re a saver or are very careful with our money, it is not unusual to have a partner who is an inveterate spender or hopeless at sticking to a budget.
Another example of these disowned selves is on the world scene. The media regularly exposes individuals in positions of power who are viewed as trustworthy or of high moral standing, behaving in ways that are considered to be immoral or lacking in integrity. These “falls from grace” often result in lost careers or removal from office and we may wonder what makes someone risk their integrity, family or position by doing something seemingly so out of character to the way they usually conduct their lives.
This is an example of the “shadow side” or disowned self, expressing in exact opposition and proportion to the exaggerated moral persona. When our natural instincts are too strongly opposed, they will always find a way to express themselves, often in destructive or self-sabotaging ways.
So what has this all to do with our spiritual growth? There is a quote in ancient scripture that says, “Be ye perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” This and other philosophies and teachings may have caused many of us spiritual seekers to constantly strive to be perfect human beings in order to be spiritually acceptable and find enlightenment.
However, if we interpret that quotation from a metaphysical perspective, then the meaning changes somewhat. The word “perfect” means “complete”. In metaphysical teachings, the word “complete” means Whole. This refers to our Spiritual Wholeness, the Self that is One with Life, that has no division, no separation. Within this Oneness, there is no judgement, no world of opposites, no good or bad. If we translate the ancient wording “Be ye perfect” as meaning, “You are perfect”, then this is closer to the Spiritual Truth. In our Spiritual Identity we are already perfect (Whole) and at One with the Universal Presence (described here in metaphorical terms as “the Father”)
Therefore, striving to be a perfect human being is a fruitless task and an endless one. Just like the game at the funfair, when little pop up creatures raise their heads up through several different holes and the aim is to hit them before they get a chance to escape and pop up from another one. In the end they are coming up at such a speed that it becomes practically impossible to keep up with them.
The same is true of our so-called “faults”, the more we deny them, repress them or try to get rid of them, the more power they have. This is symbolised in the ancient Greek myth of the hero’s quest to kill the Hydra Headed Monster. Every time, one head was cut off, another appeared in its place. The opposites that express throughout the collective human consciousness are due to a sense of separation from the Universal Source. The more we try NOT to be something, the harder that part of us will work to make itself known.
In other words, we cannot get rid of a sense of separation, by practising separation. We practice separation, whenever we judge something, somebody or ourselves as good or bad. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to acknowledge that all feelings and behaviours are based on either fear or love.
The Mystics have been telling us for centuries, that in order to find enlightenment, we need to embrace the opposites within us or as they describe it, the “light and the dark”. But we may argue, what about the nasty parts, the ugly parts, I don’t want to become like that. Of course we don’t. Embracing does not mean becoming. It simply means acknowledging that the collective human psyche, which in metaphysical terms is called the Race Consciousness, is made up of opposites and every kind of characteristic and its equivalent opposite exists within it. Because in our human identity we all share in this collective consciousness we are all to a certain extent affected by it.
If we bring those disowned parts to the Light, the place of Spiritual Truth within us, we will see them for what they are, parts of our psyche which have not been understood or loved. They are like lost fragments of our soul, wandering in the wilderness, like small children that have been abandoned. In fact in Shamanic practices, such as those followed in the Native American Indian culture, this process is actually called “Soul Retrieval”.
We bring back lost parts of our soul and restore them to Wholeness. A wise man once said, “ A man’s enemies are those of his own household” and no, this doesn’t mean our mother in law or a member of our family! (Unless we decide to make them into an enemy!) That which we are in opposition with becomes an enemy. The “household” is our own consciousness that houses all our thoughts and beliefs. It means the war of opposition that goes on inside all of us human beings, the opposing parts that are in conflict with one another, the kind and the unkind parts, the achiever and the lazy-bones, the passive and the aggressive, the abundant self and the one who fears lack, the selfish and the unselfish. Each of these “selves” has a message for us. They highlight the places within us where we are wounded or where we need to bring our lives into balance
So now let’s address your personal situation. You say “ I have done my best to always put other people first” and now you find yourself becoming resentful at being “taken advantage of.”
Meeting other people’s needs at the expense of our own is not a spiritual requisite. Being authentic is. When we sacrifice our selves and end up feeling resentful, it is usually an indication that our “unselfish giving” has not really come from the heart. The part of us doing the sacrificing is usually seeking approval or acceptance and has completely disowned the “selfish” part of our psyche.
This does not mean BECOMING selfish and getting rid of the unselfish part of us. We can still give, we can still help others but the difference is, we will not do that by sacrificing our own needs. When we take a few s of “selfish essence” rather like taking a homeopathic remedy, which treats like with like, it becomes “healthy selfishness.” By EMBRACING the so -called selfish part rather than becoming it, we learn to take care of ourselves as well as taking care of other people. This is its gift to us. It also has a message for us which is to be aware of when we are saying ‘yes’, when we want to say ‘no’ and when we are denying our own needs. Then when we give, we give because we genuinely want to contribute to the well being of others and not because we think we should or in order to get their approval. This is genuine giving in whose soil the seeds of resentment cannot take root.
Let us also remember that it is not just the “unacceptable” selves that we have disowned. It is also the inspirational and creative selves that lay dormant within us that need to be given expression. When we admire a quality or talent in another, that is an awakening call from the Universe for us to recognise that we have that same quality or talent within us, which needs to be brought to the surface. By facing the “unacceptable selves” that we have been trying to obliterate, we can let go of self-condemnation and unworthiness and can come to a place of self –acceptance and compassion for our own and other’s humanness, taking from these parts, the gifts that they offer. By accepting the disowned talents and abilities that we may have buried or failed to recognise, we can bring them to conscious awareness where they can be expressed constructively and creatively contributing to our own fulfilment and enhancing the lives of others. The most profound thing we can do for our spiritual growth is to make peace with all parts of the human psyche and move beyond judgement knowing that we have a Self that goes beyond these sub personalities, which is the Divine Self Within. This is True Enlightenment.
Home Practice
Whenever you find yourself judging another person, use this judgement to discover another aspect of your self that needs to be brought to the Light. Ask yourself, “ Is there a part of me that behaves in this way?” If you find yourself strongly denying or disowning this characteristic or behaviour, or if you become indignant, upset or angry at the suggestion that you could in any way be like that, then it is a good indication that you have found a disowned or what is commonly called a “shadow self,” a part that you are ashamed of or find unacceptable. Visualise it coming into the Light of Love, imagine it as a person, converse with it and see if you can discover it’s message and it’s gift for you. By accepting it as an aspect of the human psyche it loses its power to sabotage or create inharmonious conditions in our lives and instead becomes a catalyst for spiritual growth. Let us also remember to do the same, whenever we find ourselves admiring another. Let us say inwardly “That same quality must exist within me. May it come forth and be expressed in my life” Embrace your selves! Many blessings, Christine
Quote for the month:
Rumi, the mystical poet was well aware of this Truth, when he wrote the following poem
The Guest House
"This being human is a guest- house, every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond."
Rumi
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